Looking at all my relationships up until this point in my life, I’m left recognizing patterns and seeing where I’ve made dramatic shifts when new people come into my life. I see the work I’ve been doing, but how is this moment any different than the past? I feel like my life is more full with ceremony and ritual. More complete and whole with the practices that I embody and recognize as my healing tools. I feel like I can more consciously than ever shift my energies and focus on what I want to specifically bring in, rather than it be an aimless wandering pathway that was so familiar to me in the past. What a beautiful process I’ve created along the way. I’m in full gratitude for the path I’ve traveled to allow myself to sit here, right now, creating writing as ceremony in celebration of life.
I’m traveling on this journey to reveal my inner masculine. To bring it to the surface for questioning and nurturing. I’m observing my relationships with men, from my father, to my first kiss, my first lover, to teachers, to my friends, to those I’ve danced with intimately and even to those in passing.
From the beginning there was a cry for attention. A needed love that wasn’t addressed in the way I desired. I see this hurt resonate through my life even in this very moment. Honoring this pain is necessary to shift. This need is no longer a need. I am in a place to provide my own self love. I’m in a place to vocalize my needs and respond with compassion and understanding. Releasing old beliefs is the most challenging and difficult processes to go through in life. It’s not easy. I’ve always considered myself flexible and it still isn’t easy. I’m enjoying practicing, though.
So I see how I played out my pain with each masculine figure that came into my life and my actions never came from a place of integrity. They were projecting the pain I felt because of my tormented relationship with my dad. Even after years of purposeful healing, I went in another direction that still caused more harm than good even though the situation was very different than the previous. The pictures looked different, but they were expressing the same same.
So here I am today, once again at this crossroads of my sexuality. With new support systems in place and a new, strong sense of integrity. It’s funny, I used to see how backwards I was, and how powerless I felt to change it. I had a word, gnorts, that I used for various things… labeling myself, strong, but backwards. I felt my power hidden inside. The desire was strong, yet the path wasn’t clear.
So now I move into this new space, clear and strong. Entering into a cocoon of transition as I witness myself embody the masculine I desire. The masculine not shaped by anyone in the outer world, shaped by me and my inner most knowing of what is true. I will no longer search on the outside for someone to fill something I “need”. I will no longer fantasize about others being what I create in my head, for I will know what it is that I create, because I consciously do so.