The moment of initiation… The moment I realized I had to walk through the door to the unknown. The moment I found what I had been seeking all along. The moment the deep knowing came to full realization and my wholesome existence came into play. The moment I knew my life would change forever.
It’s been building since I was a teenager. I had the call when I was 14-15, but I was too young to understand what it was that I was being called to do. I was depressed, anxious, confused, self- destructive, and violent. So I ran away, full speed. The moment I began dabbling in psychedelics (16), the call of my soul touched the surface of my reality once more. I’ve been tapped into my soul since a very young age. It’s been reaching out, being patient until I was ready to accept its invitation. The underlying soul expression has always been of adaptability and acceptance of the unknown. Bits and pieces of my soul have been shining through for many, many years. I’ve known of it’s existence and have integrated it into my life. It’s been a trial and error method until now.
The calling was clear. My moment of clarity was found in the Movement Medicine dance. Hearing and moving to the rhythm of the earth’s heartbeat. Dancing as one with the earth. Feeling my undeniable connection to this world of living and nonliving elements. This image and embodiment of unity coursed through my veins and shocked me into a new state of consciousness that ushered me towards the door of opportunity and a new way of seeing myself and the world. I’ve always known there was more. More than I know. And to simply sit by and surrender to a life of giving up my curiosities was no longer an option. Despair and torment was not something I could cope with. It wasn’t something I could say was acceptable. It was something that needed to be maneuvered out of my life by actions of my own doing.
This was a chance of a lifetime, and something I’d been unconsciously preparing for this whole time. Leaving my lover, child, dog, home, job all seemed too easy compared to the story that could be told. She left everything behind. Sold of all her material items and took off. Being attached to that story was not an option and certainly not a reason to stay.
The teachings of Buddha say circumstance should not dictate your state of happiness and I feel like I embodied this through my transition; as I recognized my need to move forward with my passions and my dreams. Anger, sadness, happiness, excitement, did not drive my actions or my behavior. Emotional maturity has been the result of this transformation and initiation process. I could not have done it without such a patient, kind and loving friend. So my initiation, my calling for adventure began after the Movement Medicine workshop. After I found myself in all of the chaos of my brain. I tackled my anxiety like I never knew possible. I saw the extent of its origin and put an end to it. I discovered it’s source of power and stopped it with my mind and embodiment practice.
The initiation process and my dedication has resulted in my ability to observe my growth and development. I’ve been a witness to myself as I’ve been changing into the person of my dreams. Someone who heals herself and in turn inspires others to do the same.
This process has allowed me the space to look at my time dancing in a new, clear light. And so I write.