Right now, I’m in my body now more so than I ever have been. I’m feeling myself more deeply than I ever could have imagined possible. I’m finally listening to my emotions and finding ways to express them fully. Dancing, music, voice, writing, it all helps me let the feelings out of my head; shine the light on my shadows. I’ve kept secrets hidden deep down inside. I’ve had a darkness of sadness, shame, and embarrassment, covered in anger and frustration clouding my success. Keeping me down. Upon looking at my life and ruling everything out, it narrowed down to me. How could I have looked past myself? How did I not know it was me this whole time?
The dis-ease I feel is within me. It is not from any outside circumstance. I need to heal this in order to truly shine. I begin my journey of truth telling and start with myself. I will not hide in the shadows of the darkness anymore. I will shed the excess weight that anchors me down.
I’m digging into my experiences as I transition out of dancing. Digging into what has happened during all these years. I’ve dated two main men during this time. The reality of my life has made its way back to me again. The spiral continues. The first time, I broke up with the guy, and left thinking I had everything figured out and I was ready for another. Four years later, I’m here again. The same feelings have come again. I’m choosing to look at them now, feel them and move past them with compassion and forgiveness.
What I’m talking about is sexual healing. My trauma surrounded in shame begins at the age of around 7. I’ll go deeper into that in another post. I just wanted to share what exactly I was talking about here.