The Seeking Stripper: I Surrender

Stripper

There was heaviness on the word “stripper”.

The connotation was massive. Eleven years of collective massiveness.

It’s appropriate to say that stripping has left a huge impact on my life, and comprehending it’s impact has been quite the process in itself.

Looking back, I see the timeline of this stripping path actually began when I was 12 years old. So with 17 years of substance and sexual abuse behind my belt yeah, the word stripper, was heavy.

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Long Ago, There Was A Beginning

I remember the moment I chose this path for myself. The path of pain shadowed in a cloud of darkness. Angrily upset, covering up the intense sadness and despair I felt from my parents being separated and me not knowing how to connect with either of them, I decided I wasn’t worthy enough to receive love from anyone, including myself.

I cut myself off from my light and my own love. I hurt and neglected myself worse than anyone could ever imagine. I abused myself and others daily from ages 12-29, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and sexually. I chose a path far worse than any pain I didn’t process initially.

It was a burden for me to carry around the experience of being a stripper and the belief that I wasn’t worthy of love and that if anyone did choose to love me, I’d prove that I wasn’t worthy.angel-2785146_960_720

Then what happened?

Because of this one belief, the experiences that I’ve created from stripping have been so wildly varied and boundary pushing in all dimensions of life.

My physical boundaries were tested.

My emotional boundaries were pushed.

My mental boundaries were challenged.

My spiritual boundaries were stretched.

With the seed of unworthiness sprouting within me, I explored all the dark parts of life in search of the light.  I did not know the infinite potential of my power as it drove me to explore the dark for nearly 17 years.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been seeking spiritual growth, yet it wasn’t until now that I truly saw that I didn’t have to stumble my way through the dark in order to find the light. I have been wandering in the dark, hoping to see the light, desperately seeking the light.

Now I see clearly, the light I have been seeking has always been within me. 

Osho said it and now I shall say it, too. The light that you seek is within you.

After all this exploration I have been gifted with the most magnificent gift of all. The experience of witnessing my brilliant, divine white light in the center of my chest, radiating out from my body and into the world.

brilliant

I love and respect myself for experiencing this truth now and allowing the original pain to process and pass through my body, to be expressed of all its residual effects.

I renounce the notion that I am not worthy of being loved and I declare that I am worthy of being loved.

 

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