It’s been a little over a month long journey of a deep exploration of new experiences with the intention of love, adventure, & growth with another human.
I was calling in a partner of a lifetime. Someone that I could unite with, someone that I could ascend with.
Someone that I could explore the meaning of love with. Someone that I could create a life with. I had all the details laid out (refer to My Inner Masculine post).
Throughout this dating journey I’m learning to call in what I desire, receive, refine, & repeat.
As I was beginning to date, I set clear intentions, boundaries and set up rituals that expressed my needs and desires.
One of my partners and I had plenty of time apart that helped our meetings be pretty rich and intentional. I ended up growing through some beautiful processes of attachment during this time by showing me the power of his devotion to another woman.
He longed for his ex partner and was deeply driven by passion to be with her. I’m happy to say they are now back together.
My next partner showed me another form of devotion.
This devotion was towards his beliefs and way of life.
Initially, I accepted this devotion as our way of life, trusting deeply in this man’s spiritual direction from knowing his experience as a healer from the womb.
I resonated so deeply and loudly with this person, as they anchored themselves into my presence and my growth.
Entwined, his devotion lodged itself into my own beliefs, attempting to dislodge mine by attacking them and telling them they were filled with lies based on fear.
His projections overpowered my sense of Self.
My essence was threatened by this entity of such strength.
I became resistant and defensive as he began disproving my methods, and dis-empowering my intuition and wisdom as he saw into my depths.
He’d catch me in each moment that I wasn’t in perfect alignment with myself and my words and offered feedback of how I showed up.
He listened to my wants, needs and desires as if each one were etched in stone.
He was relentless.
Each word, analyzed in this way.
Each word, held on to.
This devotion was strangling, suffocating, and ultimately destructive.
He offered real time feedback of how I showed up from moment to moment and desired the same feedback from his partner.
In theory, this sounds like a perfect union; however, everything about this life situation was difficult.
Everything about this was confrontational.
I felt exposed.
I felt like a sad, insecure child.
I felt like I knew nothing.
I felt stripped down and raw.
Uncoiled. Unwound. Unbound.
I was in an echo chamber, where all I could see and hear was myself because of the projections of another.
Now that I begin to observe the situation from a distance and gather reflections from other people, I see this kind of devotion as oppressive.
It’s like someone yelling at their partner, beating them telling them that it’s LOVE making them do it.
This notion that love pushes people away is wrong.
This is fear being masked in the name of love.
I was broken down to my base elements and expected to act within certain parameters of being, while my actual experience was ignored in the equation of the circumstance.
As I gathered information, this became all too clear, overwhelming at first, and then clear.
I wasn’t really being seen.
My core was being seen without the context.
Humans are such dynamic and complex species; we have to look at the whole person when dealing with the healing and growth process.
I decided I needed to write this all out to decipher what it all means.
I realize I tell different stories to different people, and I need to gather my whole experience into one whole story, one that isn’t plagued with blame, guilt or resentment.
I realize how special this kind of relationship was, that’s why I chose to enter into it in the first place.
Although, the idea of it working worked way better than the actual relationship.
Mind you, even though I write about this experience, it still is not a complete story.
Much is still in my depths, yet to be expressed.
Back to the story I am able to tell right now…
What did I learn from this?
This experience has brought out more passion in me than I could have imagined.
I’m experiencing a new flow of motivation and inspiration that is building each day.
A passionate love for myself grows deeper as does my love for the natural world and each unique person in it.
I’m feeling a drive to master my skills that honor my presence.
A drive to show up in a way that serves others and the earth.
I was gifted the reflection of myself as a victim.
My inner warrior was laid to rest as the victim came out to play, blaming myself for not being the person I saw that I could be if I would just listened to this man’s reflections and guidance.
If I just would stop resisting, I would be magnificent with this amazing man by my side.
Each day my victim grew stronger and my defenses rose.
In the relationship, we discussed me breaking down my walls immediately as I recognized they were coming up, and somehow this act made them grow taller than I’ve ever experienced.
I was a witness to this process and felt incapable of stopping it.
Tearing down my walls was impossible when someone was telling me, that I needed to show up better.
My walls went higher and higher each time I heard how much I was wasn’t enough.
The compassion and empathy simply wasn’t there for my little wounded girl to relax.
She heard that relaxing into herself wasn’t right.
She was told that her process wasn’t quick enough, not good enough.
From this one man, I had been continually reflected that I wasn’t showing up as my best self.
He reflected to me that I reflected others without having a solid sense of my own being and Self, morphing to my environment.
He showed me that I’m inconsistent with my choices and that they do not always reflect my wants.
I’ve been shown that when I speak, I can speak without integrity and I waver in presence and honor, of myself and others.
Another twist to all of this was that these points were all tied to my conditioning from working at the strip club.
This was all stuff I knew from previous discoveries, yet this life situation pulled all of these to the surface of my being and laid them out on display for this man to recognize, and acknowledge as places within me that need healing.
Being present to these reflections and choosing to see them as possibilities of truth and potential space for growth, I choose to sit with these and touch base with myself to see their worth.
Gazing at these observations gathered from this human and owning my experience, I see each of these points as part of my charm.
I’m highly adaptable to my environment.
Highly sensitive to energy shifts and new information that comes in.
I’m curious and enjoy the mystery of life.
I’m comfortably uncomfortable with the unknown.
In this space, I love and honor myself deeply before deciding to address these places that could use improvement, because I am a human and I am by far perfect and love and accept all parts of me.
Although this human speaks about being supportive of me, I received it as threatening to my Self.
I was being supported in a way that made me feel like a victim; like I’m not worthy and not enough just as I am.
Spending time away I have regained my strength, authority, independence, and empowerment.
I’ve gained clarity on who I am and have nurtured myself into a space of abundant love and appreciation for the being that I am.
I love and honor myself for the experiences that I’ve had and know I’m simply a human living this life the way I’m supposed to.
Learning the lessons I’m meant to learn the only way I’m going to learn them.
I trust this life is showing me the way to nurture my soul in a way that will honor its presence on this earth and in this lifetime.
I’m left wondering a few things…
Is this relationship an echo of my past codependent relationships?
Was this the test to ensure I knew how to express my boundaries?
What does love in partnership really mean to me now?
I think I have some answers to this last question.
Love to me is romantic.
Love is a fluid, flexible, and a continual dialogue.
Love is expansive and nourishing.
Love to me is compassionate listening.
Love is being seen without judgement.
Love is trusting that I’ll do the work I need to do to continue growing.
Love is intimate.
Love is deep.
Love is playful.
Love is fun.
Love is light.
Love is safety.
Love is knowing.
Love is surrender.
Love is allowing.
Love is passionate.
Love is wonderment.
Love is acceptance.
Love is forgiveness.
With much love and appreciation for you all,
Ivy Belle ❤