Through this journey of life, I’ve traveled far in my 31 years. When I say I’ve traveled far, I don’t only mean in the literal sense.
Not only have I traveled far across the country, I’ve traveled far from myself.
I’ve been disconnected with my truth and authenticity. I haven’t known who I really was. I knew my body, mind, and soul well, however the intimacy with them was inauthentic.
The injuries, the headaches, the chronic body pain has been telling me to come back home. My body has been begging to be heard, seen, and acknowledged; begging for me to return to myself.
To return home.
The results of my life are simply a reflection of the inner belief that I needed to separate and escape from the pain of the past.
The story that the pain was too painful to feel created a chasm between my authentic self and the self I showed in private and in public.
My masks were so good, I fooled myself and many others. Others we’re swayed. They saw right through me. I’m so grateful for their sight, their authenticity, showing me the way and guiding me in their ways of being, even if I wasn’t conscious of it yet.
My inner self yearned to be seen and led my soul on a journey to remove the masks and to rejoin with myself; my body, mind and soul, together as one.
I felt the urge to know myself on the tip of my tongue. It was something I was reaching for.
In 2015 there was flood of realization into my body and into my heart. All the concepts I had learned along the way integrated into my being and I began to resonate at a new frequency and I felt it magnify within each cell of my body.
A Conscious Dance Workshop, Movement Medicine changed my life forever. I was launched into the present moment and had a taste of my true self.
I knew I had to move.
I was getting closer to home.
I embarked on a traveling journey in 2016, I became the adventurer seeking myself. I created environments to support the attainment of the knowledge that ultimately was within. I was seeking to reunite with my whole self.
As I traveled and saw reflections of myself among strangers, the wildlife, plants and trees, I collected pieces of myself, remembering my wholeness as I’ve always been.
All the while, my story of disconnection and separation played out with grace. I longed to be reunited with myself and I led my body through a journey to do just that.
My journey consisted of 11 years in the strip club, while simultaneously working on my Exercise Science Bachelor’s Degree, studying Pilates, dance, movement, and spirituality.
The Return Home
As I realized my inauthenticity as my primary state of being and how my lifestyle supported it through the strip club, I began reworking my life to fit my truth and come into my authenticity, to return home to myself.
Reflecting solely on this year, I’ve traveled across the country, from Cali, to Texas, to Florida and in between and back multiple times and even across the seas to Costa Rica.
Since I was a child, I’ve been hopping from coast to coast and I’ve watched myself play out the story of pain and separation. I’ve been proving to myself that pain and separation are my story and that it’s a worthy story to be told because the pain was too painful to heal and too painful to let go.
Through my explorations and deep remembrance, I discovered and reclaimed my power. I acknowledged my chosen path and honor it as sacred.
I acknowledged that I’ve hurt for so long that I had forgotten how to feel.
As I reflect on my journey, I remember that I began creating and participating in ceremony when I was 16 in California to process the pain I felt from my departure from my father.
Even then, I can remember the difficulty it was to touch my wounds because they hurt so deeply.
After years of endless suffering from inflicting pain, trauma and self torture upon myself, I have finally woken up and decided this path is not for me anymore.
The dark spiral I’ve been traveling has served me well in many ways, as I can see how I may aid others traveling through the dark and guide them into their light.
As I move into presence with myself and step into my authenticity more and more, the pain doesn’t seem so far away. I don’t feel like I have to fake it.
The pain is close, here, and it hurts.
I’m so grateful for the pain and its proximity to my heart. I don’t have to search for it anymore. I don’t have to hurt myself to feel pain.
I feel it in my body and I can send it love directly.
I can process the pain as it arises.
I’m so thankful for the journey I’ve been on to help me reunite with my self. The experiences that have come into my life, no matter how difficult they have seemed have served me in awakening further into higher levels of consciousness.
I’m grateful for the breakdowns that provide contrast. I’m grateful for my Beloved who holds unconditional loving space for me to move through the pain I’ve buried so deep within the stories.
I step into this present moment with new ideas on the tip of my tongue. New concepts to strive to understand, to embody and to integrate as I seek higher levels of consciousness to serve the planet in its liberation; to serve humanity in experiencing their wholeness and stepping into their greatness and into their light.
I breathe in love and breathe out pain. I am present and connected at all times because I’m up to something big.
What are you up to?