Dancing has allowed me the space to feel comfortable with my sexuality. Taking this sexuality into the “real” world has not been so easy. The social stigmas and the traditional rules of relationships have shamed me into misunderstanding myself.
In the club, I’m able to feel physical, emotional, and mental pleasure, within some law limiting bounds. I’ve navigated these boundaries to express myself without actual penetration. Building my capacity to orgasm through the energetic fields.
As I navigate the world outside of the club, single and free of a limiting relationship, I begin to wonder, what does it mean to feel comfortable with pleasure when I don’t have a designated partner to express my pleasure with?
How do I feel pleasure without expressing through sex and at the same time release the expectation of sex?
What are other ways that I can express my pleasure?
I’ve noticed my uneasy thoughts as I come across men whom I’m attracted to. My mind goes into a flurry of lust. My body begins to contract in waves, signaling desire. My focus tunes into the physical, mental, and emotional bliss that could be if I were to give into my primal instinct. Then I run. I become afraid of the consequences. What would happen if I did give in? Would I have to be in a relationship with this person? Would I have to commit to someone again? Would I hurt their feelings? Would it even be mutual?
How do I transmute my sexual energy into something more positive? I feel intense arousal and desire to satisfy that craving with sexual intercourse with men I find attractive. I have the capacity and practice self love, yet it encourages my desire to seek another. Do I feel shame for wanting sex with men? Have I built up shame from doing this once in my life because the suffering it brought to others? Do I feel shame for wanting sexual relations with a man who is not my partner?
Can I simply verbally express my sexual arousal to whomever? Will this catapult me in the direction I desire? Expressing myself here, in my inner world, and then next in the outer world? I have urges to call a few men in my life to talk about this very topic. Discussing my arousal and the pleasure I feel when I’m around them.
Is that my next step to healing?
When I was sad, I played music. When I was happy I did creative arts…So now, feeling pleasure when I’m around others, simply expressing that. This is the realm that has baffled me for years, yet I’ve seen enormous growth as I stay connected with my core. Staying connected with my true self as I express myself with love and compassion towards others.